An Internal Monologue of Someone (Definitely Not Me) at a Party

Just go. It’s not going to be that big of a deal. They invited you, so you should just go. Yes, they want you there. It’s ok if you don’t know many people there. You’ll meet people! Just don’t be weird. Sometimes, when you’re uncomfortable, you do everything you can to not seem uncomfortable, which actually makes you seem even more uncomfortable, which in turn is weird. You’ll be fine. You’ve got your phone. It’s an airtight defense mechanism. Nobody talking to you? Pull out that phone. Look busy. Really pull one over on them. Ok, let’s go.

******One Hour Later*********

Ok, is this the building? Those people are going inside, should I follow them? Maybe I should introduce myself to them. Actually, they aren’t introducing themselves to me, so I won’t bother. Really makes it seem like I’m indifferent. I’m nailing this.

Ok, I’m in. Quick scan of the room. Right. I know that guy a little, I know of that girl, and that’s about it. Oh! There’s the host. I’ll say hi. That’ll kill five minutes. They’re talking to someone else, though. Time to hover. I’ll just hover outside their circle until they turn around and notice me. I don’t want to cut in and seem rude. Maybe this seems more rude? Definitely more weird. Maybe I should just go. At least if I didn’t come they couldn’t think less of me. Oh! She notices me.

Well that was more like two minutes. Was really hoping to stretch that out a bit. She introduced me to a bunch of people whose names I immediately forgot (and hopefully won’t be tasked with recalling) and now I’m by myself again.

I could just walk up to a group of people and say “hello”. Nothing sounds worse than that. If they wanted to talk to me, wouldn’t they already be talking to me? It’s a proven fact (based on what I think) that people only like talking to people they already know so that they don’t have to do the human litmus test where you try to find out if you have anything in common and whether or not your senses of humor line up.

I’m a funny guy, but I don’t just like be funny, you know? Nobody likes someone who is “on” all the time. Instead it’s about biorhythms and people getting to know when you’re serious and when you’re joking and it just takes time, ok? Stop pressuring me.

Oh! I know that person. I’ll go talk to them. Nope, someone else snatched them up. I’ll just wait. Out comes the phone.

Nothing happening on Facebook. Nothing’s ever happening on Facebook. I could just play a game. No. Cut that shit out. Could you imagine someone just standing there, playing a game, during a party? This is a party! Why aren’t you having any fun?!

Oh, no. A weird person is talking to me. People are now going to think I’m weird by association. What if I’m already also a weird person, so they don’t think anything of it? Just two weirdos shooting the shit. I bet that’s the case. It kind of all makes sense now. You’re weird, everyone thinks you’re weird, so you’re talking to the weird guy because you’re both a couple of weirdos.

No, you’re not weird. You’re pretty cool! Sometimes, you’re super in your element. Why can’t tonight be one of those times? Because the system is set up for you to fail. That’s what it is. It’s definitely not your fault. If you had your people, your crew, your squad, you’d be the center of attention. You should feel a lot better about this whole thing. You actually haven’t done all that badly tonight, all things considered.

Party should be wrapping up soon. Just a quick check of the time and…thirty minutes? I’ve been here for thirty minutes? Oh, man. That’s way too soon to leave. Like noticeably soon.

Oh, good. That person I’ve met a few times is talking to me. We are exchanging generic sentences about the interests we have in common. I don’t think I’m doing this well. He doesn’t seem terribly interested. I’m so boring. I’m so goddamn boring. No wonder he’s not interested. He probably was having an amazing time until he started talking to me. Poor guy. Sorry for ruining your night.

Well, that’s done. That person has been spared from me. He’s already talking to someone else. He laughed! He didn’t laugh once with me. I mean, I didn’t make any jokes, but sometimes funny stuff just happens organically? I don’t know. I’m overthinking it.

That person I know is still talking to someone else. Oof. Back to the phone. Still nothing happening. Big surprise. Nothing ever happens.

Alright, I’m gonna bail. I did my part. I came, I was weird, and now I’ll leave. Awkward hug with the host, slip out the gate, and 20 minutes later I’m eating Del Taco on my couch.

I wonder if anything cool happened after I left. Did I miss out?


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